Friday, 25 June 2004

Something wicked this way comes?
Have just been out to the Embassy Theatre to see HP3. Perhaps it's the fresh, new, very altered wizarding world or perhaps just a change of scenery in my world for the afternoon, but my thoughts seem to be pretty coherent and insistent right now. Often the philosophical voice in my brain sounds like foreign language lessons, but I can understand a few more phrases of it this evening.

I'm thinking about how, though I have many ambitions and dreams, and though they're not all out of reach - some quite the opposite - there seems to be another personality driving me which sneaks in and stops me from achieving things. I shall call her Evil Anna. But no - truly it's only me, and I deserve a good kick in the pants for being such a detestable procrastinator. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a mountain, waiting to take flight in a hanglider - flying in real life! an act I've longed to try for so long - but for no apparent reason I don't take those last steps and take off. Why? I haven't the foggiest.

Yes, I love analogies such as the above. They stop me from thinking in everyday, real terms. Nyah. :P What is it I'm afraid of? I know that I can do scary things - like getting a job, I did it earlier this year. It just took buckets and buckets of horrible emotional stress to get past my inhibitions and excuses. I knew I could do it but Evil Anna knew just as strongly that I could not. Now I am (she is?) stopping myself from getting my motorcycle license and scooter. More independence and - gasp! - even fun, travelling around on my own steam. I've gone over and over what it takes to get to that stage, and there's nothing very difficult or intimidating involved. Yet I sit on my thumbs and waste time, and the bike has been waiting for me in the shop for about six weeks. Sigh.

On to a less everyday sort of subject... I am a very silly person. Yeah, we know that already. But today's particular topic involves my... er... desire for conflict. I believe my life to be so lacking in interest and happenings that I create a philosophy in which I am an outcast, like shunning myself. For example: I believe in romance and the need to live a physical, human life in order to learn anything from this incarnation... yet I personally do not feel the need to search for romance in my life, and I put this down to the 'fact' that I've been there, done that in past lives and no longer need that sort of love - thus I am lonely. Terminally. Sometimes I think it would be nice, but I know I would not be being true to myself. On a similar pattern, I know that I don't need or want a saviour or the trappings of religion that goes along with that... yet I have a large capacity for spiritual thoughts, and find that I'm jealous of people who are able to use spiritual common ground to connect with other people - like in a coven, or a church. I could try and do this too, but instead I let myself be a solitary witch. And not even a witch, because I know I don't need spells and rituals any more, though I love the idea of them.

Oh dear. What a can of worms is open in my brain. And not as coherently expressed as I hoped, not that it matters. I guess this is all part of understanding my dreams and desires - such is the advice I've been given of late. After all, one doesn't know what's under the surface of the cauldron if one doesn't occasionally give it a good stir.

On that note I will mention that the movie was great... very different, many changes, but all so fascinating that it never felt wrong, and much felt very right. The atmosphere was gripping, the acting was spiffy, the scenery was excellent, and so on. Smiling approval from this sad muggle.

~ posted by Anna @ 6:04 PM